Subject: I fish on Fridays...
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays… but I fish on Fridays."

"4 Worms In Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup..
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive �
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the servic

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon 
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia 
He asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best,
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife...."
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
To hear them say "you don't look that old."
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
Oh, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
Two guys, one old, one young,
Are pushing their carts around- WalMart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
Maybe I can help you find her...
What does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 years old, tall,
With red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder
And Your hand over my mouth!"
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . .
Stick around awhile . . . It will!

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days ....
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or, if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Ron Chestna, 89 years of age, was stopped by police around 2 a.m. and was
asked where he was going at that time of night .
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects
it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks
to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.  Finally, I
got around to doing it while Julie was out.   After
finishing, I left to take care of another matter before
she returned.  She came in and undressed to take a
shower.  Before getting in the shower, she sat on the
toilet.  As she tried to stand up, she realized that the
not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet
seat !
About that time, I got home and realized her awful
predicament.  We both pushed and pulled without
any success whatsoever.  Finally, in desperation, I
undid the toilet seat bolts.  Julie wrapped a sheet
around herself and I drove her to the hospital ER.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could
study how to free her (try to get a mental picture of
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by
saying, Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen
anything like this before.  The Doctor replied,
Actually, I've seen lots of them . . . I just never
saw one mounted and framed.
My wife and I hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.                
All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.      
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.       I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me. Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"                   
 Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior  and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.                                     

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."                           

Elderly Banking... ..............PRICELESS!!
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 82-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
#1. To make an appointment to see me.
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
'"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear? " Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
Ole was so excited to get a new cell phone, he decided to call when he was on his way home from town. He thumbed Lena's number as he turned on to the freeway.

"Lena put supper on, I'm on my vay home.

Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some nut is driving da wrong vay on da freeway."

"It's worse den dat Lena: where I'm at dare are a hundred cars going da wrong vay!"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Do I know her?'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'
A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.